Lovely room for rent in upscale third floor flat in sought after area of West London. We are seeking an averagely attractive*, well-dressed single female heterosexual professional tenant aged between 30 and 33 (passport ID required for age verification) for long-term tenancy. Part-time employees, students, those on benefits, or anyone who shops at Primark should not apply. Prefer tenant on regular overtime or packed gym/volunteer schedule for minimum household impact. Eaters considered but with preference to microwave-users. Not requiring heating or use of washing-machine is a plus. We are a popular, good-looking couple (PhD graduates) with interests that include talking to our friends about how great we are and taking ‘selfies’. The ideal tenant will not engage in conversation except to compliment our taste in home furnishings. The lucky candidate will be tidy, easy-going and silent before 7:59 pm and after 8 pm. Occasional muffled sobbing allowed (within reason). No phone calls after 6 pm. No guests in room. No smoking, music or pets. Three months rent plus life savings. References required (plus one celebrity endorsement). Please send a double-spaced 1000 word essay on why you think you deserve to live with us and include a recent photo.

*non-threatening to monogamous females.