Queen of West Green Rd

I feel I should preface this post by confiding that I’ve always had a tendency to attract ‘marginal’ types. By ‘tendency’ I mean that they hone in on me like a terrier I used to know on a discarded piece of camembert. By ‘marginal’ I mean the kind of people we shrink away from on the bus. You know who I’m talking about. The ones who natter to themselves about unspecified objects, [“It’s getting closer now, there it goes…“] talk loudly out of context about people you don’t know, [“Arthur’s not here!“] draw you in to abstruse conversation streams, [“He’d changed so much, but you would recognize him, I’m sure…“] address people as a group [“You’re all Godless sinners!”] and demand answers to unanswerable questions, [“Did you see Arthur get off the bus!?“]

Meet Uncle Charlie. Animated. Jamaican. Bestower of royal titles. I was shopping in my favourite Turkish supermarket, content in my usual illusion that I was minding my own business. It turns out I was having a psychic conversation with the man next to me. I know this because he began to talk to me (as they all do) as if we’d already been conversing.

“And why do you suppose that is?”
“I really couldn’t say.”
(I really couldn’t).
“Dang! You are a striking looking ladeeee!”
“Thanks, you’re quite striking too.”
He was dressed like Captain Haddock in Tin Tin.
“Well, thank you sooooo much. And for that I shall…what shall I do? What do you all think?”
The girl behind the register pursed her lips and tentatively shook her head.
“I’ll make her…I’ll make her…..QUEEN!!!”
The girl’s lips spilled out a nervous laugh. He glanced at her suspiciously. I re-directed his attention back to me. Being an old hand at such things, I felt it only fair.
“Queen of what?”
He looked back at me, brow suddenly furrowed.
“Queen of…..of…..” he felt around for the word.
“Queen of West Green Road?”
This seemed to focus his attention.
“Queen of the UNIVERSE!”
He swung one leg in the air and clapped his hands. A tall slip of a blonde rested her shopping basket on the counter and smiled encouragingly across the chasm of unknown quantities. My glance in her direction spun him 180.
“What do YOU think?”
He leaned in expectantly, right hand dramatically held up against his ear.
“I like it,” she said, unflinchingly.
I admired her pluck.
“And I like YOU! You’ll be a…..a…..”
“Another Queen?” I suggested.
“Don’t be silly. There can only be one queen.”
He shot me a reprimanding look.
“You’ll be a PRINCESS!”
He looked at me, presumably for my regal approval. I nodded vigorously. He then leaned over and extended his right hand. When I shook it I thought I felt a mild electric shock.
“I’m Uncle Charlie. I’ll be your main advisor. Can I give you my number?”

As he scribbled it down on the back of my receipt, the store manager approached us. He was burly and unamused.
“You’d better get going now, ” he said.
Uncle Charlie’s face darkened and all the smile drained out of him.

“Get going?! Get going?! Why you….you….”
(Prince? I half-considered offering)
“…..shit face! You shit face!! I’ve been at sea! I was in the Navy! Where were you? You pathetic….shit.”
“He’s okay. He’s just doing his job.”
“We’re ALL doing our job!” he shouted.
I made eye contact with the manager and gave him an, “It’s cool” expression.
“Hey, I need that number from you. I’m gonna need some advice if I’m going to be queen.”
He shot the manager a dirty look for good measure, filled in the last 4 digits and handed me the slip of paper. He folded my fingers over it like a secret gift of candy to a niece.
“You call me whenever you need advice. Call Uncle Charlie.”
“I’ll do that,” I said, and walked out into the rain, contemplating the implications of my freshly received powers.

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A better way forward….

DSCF1194Conversation overheard between two teenage girls at Primark, in the aisle between the red lace bras and furry animal slippers…

GIRL 1 – God, I feel like shit today.
GIRL 2. – Yeah, me too, awful ‘innit?
GIRL 1. – I didn’t drink as much as Linda though.
GIRL 2. – No, but Gary drank more than ‘er.
GIRL 1. – Not as bad as the time I woke up blind in one eye though.
GIRL 2. – Yeah. I remember that. But there woz one time, I couldn’t see properly for a whole week.
GIRL 1. – There has to be a betta way forward, don’t ya fink?
GIRL 2. – I dunno. Let’s hope so…

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Print and shoot

The Science Museum in London’s South Kensington has changed a lot since 1986. Cool interactive exhibits show you how you’ll look 10, 20, 30 years from now. (I declined). You can see what you would look like or sound like as a man or woman, and ‘paint’ a wall with your shadow. I had some trouble with the exhibit that tells you what kind of ‘planner’ you are. Mine came up as ‘bloody awful’ or something similar, which I was putting down to jet-lag. Then I wandered off to yawningly peruse the world of 3D printing, which I was finding only mildly interesting, until I saw this….

DSCF1126

It’s called the ‘Liberator Gun’. The description read that the first time someone tried to fire it, the bullet blew the gun apart. I was transfixed. A new order of social implications paraded across my mind’s eye, like a manifested footnote in a second-rate Hollywood sci-fi. The whole gun ownership debate turned abruptly on its head to be rendered essentially meaningless.

This is the dark side of ‘open source’ technology. It’s going to get really crazy. If you think it’s already crazy then you’d better tighten your seatbelt. Nothing ever gets ‘un’ invented. America’s gun lobbyists will seem rather quaint. When you can just knock one off while you print out your movie tickets, guns won’t need a lobby any more. When anyone can just print and shoot, there will only need to be a certain percentage who do so, for everyone to justify following suit. I leave it to the economic sociologists to figure out exactly what that percentage is. I only know that it’s coming. Either no one has guns or everyone has them. The danger lies in all the places in between. And that’s a whole lot of danger.

The Ayn Rand Libertarian fringe believe in the wisdom of radical individualism, which I would argue has already been proven to be a profound failure. A sense of collective values are required for us to live together respectfully and successfully. This wasn’t so urgent 500 years ago or even 100 hundred. But with the population tottering at 7 billion, and State systems groaning with the weight, with resources diminishing and our environment changing, we need to learn how to form communities that offer an alternative to the two dishes we’ve seen on the political menu; that is, every man for himself or rote subservience to authority.

A week later I read this in a story on the BBC

‘A 3D printer and suspected “homemade” gun components seized during police raids in Manchester are being examined….The world’s first gun made with 3D printer technology was successfully fired in the US in May.

(The gun was made on a 3D printer that cost $8,000 (£5,140) on eBay)

The BBC story continues: ‘The group that created the firearm, Defense Distributed, said it planned to make the blueprints available online [italics mine]. Defense Distributed is headed by Cody Wilson, a 25-year-old law student at the University of Texas, who defended making the design available by saying: “I’m seeing a world where technology says you can pretty much be able to have whatever you want.”‘ In an interview with the Guardian, Wilson said:

“I think we should be allowed to own automatic weapons; we should have the right to own all the terrible implements of war, as [American political philosopher] Tench Coxe said, and I think this principle probably applies globally.” Guns are just the beginning. Wilson envisions everything from drugs to birth control.

Wilson is described as a market anarchist activist and crypto-anarchist (from the Capitalist-Libertarian mould) who believes in information access and a citizens economy that by-passes any State legislation. True to form, he’s funded Defense Distributed almost solely through donor use of the digital crypto-currency, Bitcoins. He was voted by Wired Magazine as one of the “15 most dangerous people in the world.” Says Wilson in A Forbes report, “Anywhere there’s a computer and an Internet connection, there would be the promise of a gun.” He admits, “It’s kind of scary.”

I walked away from the Liberator with a hollow sense of foreboding. “Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy,” wrote Ayn Rand. “The savage’s whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe. Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.”

In a world of instant weapons, I have the freedom to print or not to print, but that freedom starts to look a lot like another round of slavery to the desire factory.

spaceout

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Smelling the pickles

The drunken Turk mirrored my movements as I leaned first to the left and then the right, trying to avoid him as he approached. But he had me in some kind of arak-soaked-force-field. Before I knew it his substantially muscled arms had embraced me. For a moment I thought I was being mugged…

It’s quite the move back to the UK after 26 years away, and six and half of those years in India.  A sort of retrospective de-blending of the ingredients of my cultural history. But I’ve found, to my relief, that I don’t have to ‘de-blend’ too much. For one thing, it’s almost unrecognizable from the place I left in the late 80s; though the psychological profile is only too familiar.

My neighborhood in North London, is mostly Caribbean/Turkish/ Greek with a little Kurdish/Ugandan thrown in for good measure. The Turk and Greek Cypriots have been here for decades. I hear that after Turkey invaded Northern Cyprus in 1974, they used to run into each other’s restaurants wielding steak knives and kebab skewers (okay, I added the skewers, but it probably happened), but things seem to have calmed down a bit since then. I thought I would miss India’s colours, but I find boldly printed Jamaican wraps instead of saris. Pita bread instead of chapatis. I rarely hear English spoken on West Green Lane. English is used the same way it is in India – to communicate across communities, not between them. Animated exchanges that spill easily (and generally amicably) onto the street. Men in woolen rainbow Rasta hats sucking at barely concealed joints outside shops selling incense and hair extensions – none of them blonde.

The drunken Turk now had me in a bear-hug. In the middle of a bustling street at 11 am on a Saturday morning. He was over six foot, so my cheek was squashed into his breastplate as he swayed gently. He smelled strongly of liquor and filterless cigarettes, and faintly of pickles.

Most people walk with eyes glued to the pavement. On the buses and tubes, 80% are wearing headphones. They seem, if not entirely switched off, then turned down so low they may as well be. Tuned in to an interior world where they control the soundtrack, but removed from any sensorial immediacy. But I walk with my head high still. I look and listen. In India, if you don’t use your senses you die (or at least break some bones). Here, in the land of Health & Safety, the dangers have been managed by higher powers.

I smile at people when they catch my eye. Some of them smile back. Some of them wonder what I’m after. But I’ve noticed occasional moments of kindness also. People making way for the elder ones on buses. Giving up their seats for pregnant mothers. Most are too wired up to notice. You could get a lot by these people, one can’t help thinking. They’re literally not paying attention.

Seven Sisters by Nicobobinus

Seven Sisters by Nicobobinus

I didn’t want to push him away, in case he became agitated. But somehow I knew he was harmless. I patted him on the back. “You take care now,” I said. He didn’t say a word, but moved on with a surprising grace down West Green Rd., while I carried on to the Seven Sisters underground feeling surprisingly unflustered.

The only two people with our heads held high had collided, simply because we were paying attention….and one of us was drunk. Perhaps this is one reason why everyone is wearing headphones. To avoid merging those leftover interstices of humanity, where we have no choice but to smell the pickles.

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Madrasa of the mind

kufi-prayer-hat-white-220-pI performed a rapid assessment analysis of my fellow bus passengers as Doha international terminal receded through the rear window. Just in case we miraculously survived a plane crash and got stranded on a desert island, I would naturally need to determine who would be most likely to eat or be eaten. I had plenty of time, since our Qatar Airways plane was still a dot in the distance and the driver seemed in no hurry to narrow the gap between it and us.

Standing next to me, a slim mid-30’s man in a short thobe—long-sleeved thigh-length white shirt and a kufi prayer hat—was muttering under his breath.  He was of medium height with an insubstantial beard (no moustache), a probable mix of English/Middle Eastern. He was fingering a set of well-worn prayer beads. When he wasn’t nervously glancing at a dark blue backpack stacked on the luggage rack behind him, his gaze was firmly fixed on the floor of the bus, lips moving continuously. His forearms and elbows were scarred with pink contrails of eczema. He was, in short, the perfect visual profile of a terrorist. I scrambled together a story in my head. Disenchanted youth from [insert name of disenchanted British city here], torn between worlds and identities, becomes radicalized in a madrasa in [insert name of Muslim state here], while his inner tensions and contradictions manifest as ugly skin conditions. He is saying his final prayers to purify his soul before he blows us all up and floats off to heaven and the 72 virgins.

The bus crawled along the tarmac, our plane still a few hundred yards up ahead. I had to say something to him – had to see how he would respond. But what? “What’s in the bag?” sprung to mind. I could ask him where he’s come from. I imagined he would look at me with automatic disdain. Perhaps he would ignore me completely, not wanting to infect himself with infidel parlance.

“Looks like we’re going to be driving to London,” I said finally.
He stopped his prayers and looked at me blankly. And then something happened. He smiled.
“Yeah, you’re not kiddin’,” he replied in a strong North English accent. “But I’ve been waitin’ to leave for hours, so I’m not complainin’.”

He then went on to tell me, in a chatty relaxed manner, how he’d missed his connecting flight that morning due to wrong information from the airport ground staff and he’d been waiting in Doha for five hours with his increasingly grumpy wife and mother.  He nodded over to a large woman wearing a paisley headscarf with a backpack printed with large pink and white daisies. She smiled at me wearily.

He asked me about myself and I told him I was moving to the UK after six years in India. I don’t exactly recall what else he said apart that he was from Manchester and that  he would be happy to get home. I was too busy thinking how normal he seemed. I filed away my movie scene where I rush down the aisle of the plane shouting ‘Take him down!’ – spinning his gun through the air with one gesture and constricting his windpipe with the next. Everything was suddenly reversed. I was the one approaching the world with a fixed set of assumptions through a rigid narrow view from the window of my own madrasa.

When we reached Heathrow, I passed him in the aisle where he was waiting for his family.
“Good luck with it all,” he chirped.
“Thanks,” I said.  “I appreciate it.”

And I did. More than he could know.

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Cloudburst – drenched in euphemism

flood2

Lord Shiva, whose temple in Uttakharand was one of the few buildings left standing after a boulder lodged behind it and protected it from the floodwaters.

The retired Major lifted his scotch to his moustache with a sober pause. It was July 2013, just a few weeks after the terrible floods in Uttarakhand; the worse national disaster India had endured since the 2004 Tsunami, and the subject was on everyone’s lips. This natural catastrophe had taken over 6,000 lives and forced the evacuation of over 100,000 people. One month later, 6,000 were still missing. Though the response from central government was initially sluggish, the media was soon filled with images of heroic rescue efforts by the Indian army. “People don’t understand the might of the Himalayas; what those mountains can do to weather,” opined the retired Major. “Take the cloudburst. It’s like a tsunami falling from the sky.”

I first heard the term in August 2007, when traveling by jeep in upper Kinnaur in Himachal Pradesh through some pretty bad weather. Along the route, the tragic news was relayed that an entire village had been wiped out and 50 people killed in less than an hour from what people were referring to as a ‘cloudburst’. The village next door just got wet. But in talking with the Major I began to realize that I didn’t know what a cloudburst actually was. I imagined a rather cartoon-like event with a cloud exploding like a kid’s water bomb in Hyde Park on a Sunday afternoon. In our party was a young British diplomat, about to get transferred to the Foreign Office to work on climate change.
“It’s just a lot of rain,” was the answer I got.
“Isn’t that rather like saying a tornado is a lot of wind?”
He shrugged, clearly disinterested.
“I’ve never heard of it before I came to India,” he replied, as if to suggest Indians were using the term somewhat hysterically.

The floods in Uttarakhand were not caused by a cloudburst according to India’s meteorological office in Shimla, but to unusually high rainfall (375 percent more than benchmark levels) from clouds saturated with moisture from the Bay of Bengal. But I began to get increasingly fascinated by the cloudburst question particularly since there was so little about the subject on the net. When I mentioned all this to a friend from the hills, he was unequivocal.
“Cloudbursts are not just a lot of rain. If you go to Manali, you’ll see how both the landscape and the locals are scarred with the memories of these extreme events.”
There is even a meteorogical centre that’s been set up in Manali to study cloudbursts, he said. He told me that one autumn he’d been hiking in the mountains above Dehradun. It was a beautiful clear sunny day. But just across the next valley, he could make out a thin grey vertical line from the sky to the ground that became darker and darker as he watched. He later found out that an entire village had been wiped out in one hour from the cloudburst, when all around him the sun had continued to shine.

For those villagers who lost everything they held dear, an explanation is demanded. Without science, the  event must be explained in mytho-religious terms – an angry God being the usual suspect. In the cloudburst analogy, I see the importance of science as a new mythology – stories that help to make sense of this strange and seemingly random world. For don’t those of use who consider our world-view to be more sophisticated than that of a remote mountain village also demand an explanation when our loved ones are singled out by a lightening strike or a machine-gun toting psychopath in a schoolyard? Don’t we also turn to the skies, and ask the question, why?

According to a joint report by the National Center for Medium Range Weather Forecasting, India and the National Center for Atmospheric Research, USA, cloudbursts are ‘among the least well-known and understood’ type of weather system.

Turns out this fire-fighting device is aptly named

First, to qualify as a cloudburst, rain has to fall over 10 centimeters an hour – but it was almost 10 inches in one hour in the devastating cloudburst in Leh in 2010. The deluge is often accompanied by high-force downwards winds, but it is the flash floods formed from the sudden increase in water volume that causes the most damage and loss to life. It seems that mountain-enhanced precipitation can take on a whole other dimension in the mighty Himalayas (which is why ‘cloudbursts’ are rarely reported in other parts of the world, though have been recorded in Jamaica and Romania and even some parts of the US). In ranges of such enormity as the Himalayas, convective clouds like cumulonimbus can occasionally grow to heights of 15 km. The precipitation that forms, therefore, combines unusual levels of pressure and weight descending from a great height over a localized area, with raindrops repeatedly merging with one another until the final effect is like someone taking out the bottom of a giant water tower. A person on the receiving end of all of this is not going to experience ‘rain’ in the normal sense of the word–although it is rain water–but something more akin to  a vertical wave – hence the retired Major’s ‘tsunami’ analogy.

diagramI was surprised to learn that there is still quite lively debate over the fundamental processes of precipitation. The stuff of all geography text books that we ingested and regurgitated like gospel. Even NASA is putting up nifty-looking weather-detecting craft to find out why some clouds produce such spectacular amounts of rain. It is this quest for understanding, this willingness for inquiry, that keeps science from replacing religion.

Yes, a cloudburst is technically “just a lot of rain”, as cancer is “a lot of illness” or depression is “a lot of the blues”. But stand under a cloudburst, get cancer, suffer from depression and you will experience something of an altogether different order. Science loses its power when it simply replaces the gods, and blind faith in its tenets replaces a measured but marveling exploration. Of course, science still cannot answer the villagers who ask, “Why this village, not that one? Why my son, not his?” But without science, when the cloudburst bursts, all we have left is a Higher Power with “a lot of irritation.”

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Audio Journey of a Neo Pilgrim

 Click on the photo…

oar

An Audio Pilgrimage – from Bodhgaya to Varanasi

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Wrestling Oysters

blastoiseIt began with a hearing glitch.
“Are you resting on those stairs?”
Siddhartha had come over for lunch that day. Had been winded by the time he’d reached my door. He was referring to the four flights of concrete steps up to my apartment, but the phone connection was crackling away in Delhi’s radiation battlefields.
“Am I wrestling oysters?” I shouted through the static.

Wrestling oysters. For some reason that stayed with me. Oysters, of course, have no limbs. And so wrestling them would be…well, impossible really. Like a Zen koan, or a Glasgow challenge. An impossibility inside a improbability inside your make believe garage band. So I looked it up. Because now it seems that everyone has already thought of everything else. It’s the end of history. Or is it? Perhaps Indra’s Net was always pumping away through the www, even before it was invented. Each jewel reflecting all the other jewels from its own singular perspective. Just another hearing glitch from two millennia ago.
“It’s called the Inter Net!”
[half-deaf old woman] “Indra’s Net?”
But I digress…

The point is that everything now takes you somewhere. Even two words as randomly thrown together as ‘wrestling oysters.’ Here’s one destination. Raider Wrestlers Enjoy Oysters on a site out of the small town of Brainerd in Minnesota called the Brainerd Dispatch. The Raiders are a wrestling team from North Dakota. The oysters in question are three brothers: Jared, Joab and Jake Oyster–all star wrestlers. Their father is a wrestler. Their mother is a coach. They live on a dairy farm. And now I’m reading about them.

oysters
Here they are. Two of them anyway.

‘When asked what it took to maintain the level of excellence all three Oysters had a short answer,’ goes the article. “Determination, dedication, and giving 100 percent,” said the Oysters.’

Now, I’m researching the history of Brainerd. I get sidetracked by an odd little story in the Wikipedia entry:

In those early years the relationship between the settlers and the Indians was complicated. The most famous example of this tenuous relationship was the so-called “Blueberry War” of 1872. Two Ojibwe were hanged for allegedly murdering a missing girl. When a group of Indians approached the town, troops from nearby Fort Ripley were called to prevent a potential reprisal. As it turned out, however, the Ojibwe only wanted to sell blueberries and the settlers avoided a bloody misunderstanding. Guilt of the two Indians was never proven.

And then there is the advice oyster wrestling sub-meme on a site called City Fish Market. Stop Wrestling with your Oysters.

It says things like: Keeping the blade of the knife pressed firmly against the top shell, move handle from right to left along the top shell, cutting the adductor muscle free from the top shell.

I’m wondering what an adductor muscle is and wonder if I have one. And then there’s the strange incident on a World Wrestling forum of a guy who swallowed a whole oyster by mistake and seeks advice from his fellow wrestling fans.

POST 1: Well, if you’re not choking on it, expect a painful bowel movement.

OYSTER MAN: What if it shatters? [good point, I’m thinking]

POST 2: If Jeff Hardy wins the world title, I’ll cut my penis off. You can quote that! [clearly unconcerned by the oyster emergency]

POST 3: Your going to turn into a Blastoise.

POST 4: I guess all you can do is wait until you next need a dump. GOOD LUCK, may the force be with you.

OYSTER MAN: I am dreading taking a crap right now. I think I’m just gonna hold it on.

oyster2The chat is interspersed with photos like this.

The thread ends abruptly without resolution. Now I’m thinking about what happened when this guy went to the toilet.
And now I’m out of searches on Google and I realize something. I’ve just added to the meme. In my reflection of the meme itself, the meme itself has changed. Schrödinger’s meme. This is what happens when you start to wrestle oysters.

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The difference an age makes

tiara2You’re in your early 20’s sitting with friends, having lunch in a gastro pub somewhere along the Thames River. Swans are idling by. The chardonnay is flowing. You’re in the middle of a funny story. You have everyone’s attention. A commotion erupts from just outside your line of sight. You try to continue, but the darting eyes tell you you’ve lost them. You turn to see what has interrupted your moment. It’s a middle-aged man, careening from table to table, moaning out the lyrics to ‘The Wind Beneath my Wings’. He’s smartly dressed in an indigo business suit. His hair is awry. He stinks of gin and cigarettes. He gets to the line ‘I can fly higher than an eagle’ and stumbles to the ground, legs splayed open across two over-turned chairs. Gasps of horror all round. He pulls himself up and lurches towards your table. Everyone recoils, including you. The discomfort is painful.

WHY? BECAUSE YOU RECOGNIZE YOURSELF IN HIM.

A waiter arrives and escorts him out of the building. Everyone sighs with relief. You continue your funny story….

tiara2You’re in your mid-40s sitting with friends, having lunch in a gastro pub, somewhere along the Thames River. Swans are idling by. The chardonnay is flowing. You’re in the middle of a funny story. You have everyone’s attention. A commotion errupts from just out of sight line. You try to continue, but the darting eyes tell you you’ve lost them. You turn to see what has interrupted your moment. It’s a middle-aged man, careening from table to table, moaning out the lyrics to ‘The Wind Beneath my Wings’. He’s smartly dressed in a navy business suit. His hair is awry. He stinks of gin and cigarettes. He gets to the line ‘I can fly higher than an eagle’ and stumbles to the ground, legs splayed open across two over-turned chairs. Gasps of horror all round. He pulls himself up and lurches towards your table.

You get up and ask him if he’d like a drink. He says, yes, and you escort him to the bar. You sit him down and order coffee for two. Then you ask him where he lives and call him a cab. You wait with him while he tells you you’re beautiful and sings the rest of the song. You pay the cab driver and ask him to make sure he gets home okay. You never get to finish your funny story. But it’s okay.

WHY? BECAUSE YOU RECOGNIZE YOURSELF IN HIM.

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The joys of the communication gap

auto agraThe auto rickshaw driver pulled up outside my guesthouse in Hauz Khaus. I had to be in Majnu Katilla in just over an hour to catch the bus up to Dharamsala. I was cutting it fine, getting through Delhi rush hour traffic all the way from the South to the North.

“Can you wait here five minutes?”

auto agraThe driver–a tall dignified Sidhhar-ji, his grey-blue uniform spotless and neatly pressed–turned around and lifted his chin sharply to show he hadn’t understood.
“Five minutes packing. Then come back, we go Majnu Katilla,” I said, in the broken English I’d become accustomed to using.
His eyebrows began to drift together.
“Five minutes packing,” I repeated, a little auto agraexasperated.
His eyebrows parted suddenly, and the left one sprang upwards in surprise.

“Five minutes fucking madam?”

Needless to say, I gave him a good tip.

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